Mostly True Information About High Functioning Girls with Depression Presents: You Might be a HFGWD if…
A. You and I are friends.
B. You and I are part of the same gene pool.
C. You eat coffee or Ibuprofen or coffee and Ibuprofen for lunch more than once a week.
D. People think you’re a perfectionist but in real life you’ve been wearing the same two bras for seven years.
E. You’re the kid your parents don’t worry about but in real life you sometimes forget to eat.
F. You’ve worked hard to understand your worth as a woman but in real life you don’t shower at night because you’re pretty sure that’s when you’ll finally be murdered.
G. You get more than one text message a week that reads like this, “Hello?”
H. Your self-talk is a mash up of Tony Robbins and Rodney Dangerfield. Morning Me: “Good morning! Every problem is a gift!” Me, 45 minutes later: “I hate what I’m wearing and I wouldn’t be disappointed if I accidentally inhaled poisonous gas and had to be hospitalized for 72 hours.”
I. You’ve ever been called bossy, psycho, controlling, bipolar, too sensitive, too dramatic, too emotional, high maintenance or any versions thereof by anyone, including and especially yourself.
J. You stage imaginary interventions on unruly children in grocery stores.
K. You have a mini panic attack if someone asks what you’re doing later today?
L. You find it almost impossible to judge other people’s mistakes because “#beentheredonethat.”
M. You know the difference between Abilify, Ativan and Alprazolam.
N. You’re pretty sure you would be friends with your therapist or psychiatrist if you met under different circumstances.
O. You have a therapist or a psychiatrist.
P. You and your spouse have codes for your varying degrees of depression: 1. “I’m 8 seconds from control-alt-deleting these mother…” 2. “We’re all-hands-on-deck up in here.” 3. “Jesus about to take this wheel!” 4. “I’m going to lose my shit, burn this house down and start a new family!” Caveat: This one raises a lot of red flags.
Q. You know the name of at least one obscure Bed & Breakfast that would probably let you check in under an alias.
R. You just Googled, “Bed & Breakfasts near me.”
S. You give people a lot of leeway because your struggle helps you see the struggle in others.
T. You cast dark, unconventionally sexy actresses, like Wynona Ryder, Elisabeth Moss and Viola Davis, to play you in the imaginary block buster movie about your life.
U. The sound track for said movie might feature Kate Bush, Fiona Apple, Alanis Morissette, Billie Eilish, Indigo Girls, Sarah McLachlan or Joni Mitchell.
V. You fangirl over any of these authors: Anne Rice, J.K. Rowling, Stephenie Meyer, Suzanne Collins, Margaret Atwood or Alice Bradley Sheldon.
W. You aren’t afraid to stand in the darkness with people because you know how to stand in your own.
X. You think spending time in 12 step meetings counts as something you do for fun.
Y. Anyone has ever called you with the explicit purpose of making sure you are still alive.
Z. You think these posts are funny but also they make you a little nervous.