Mostly True Information About High Functioning Girls With Depression Presents: Things You Should Not Say to a High Functioning Girl with Depression (with bonus track, Acceptable Alternatives).
1. Passive Aggressive Nostalgia, like, “I miss the old you.” Newsflash, Karen: This is the new normal, she ate the old me. Acceptable Alternative: “Thinking of you today. Hope you know how much I love you.”
2. Morbid Depression Statistics, such as, “Did you know that depression kills 7,000 people annually?” Acceptable Alternative: “Dammmnnn, this depression shit is hard. You’re a bad ass.”
3. Idiot Advice, including, “Have you tried [insert impossible self-care regiment]?” Acceptable Alternative: “I made your kids dinner. It’s being delivered at 6:30 by the Dominos delivery guy. You’re welcome.”
4. The Obvious, for example, “You really need to take better care of yourself,” or, my personal favorite, “You look tired.” Acceptable Alternative: “I brought you some coffee.”
5. Bad Comparisons to people who might have depression but are mostly just really troubled, including your mom’s second cousin in Spokane who is “Agoraphobic and hasn’t held a job in 6 years.” Acceptable Alternative: “I just texted your husband a picture of a Burberry scarf he should buy you for Christmas. You’re welcome.”
6. References to Celebrities who may or may not have had depression, like, “Look at Lindsay Lohan or Mel Gibson. They’re making it!” Acceptable Alternative: “Let’s rent a movie with Mel Gibson’s butt in it.”
7. More Idiot Advice, for example, “I bought you this powdered juice mix I saw on QVC that’s supposed to give you more energy.” Acceptable Alternative: “I bought you this doughnut.”
8. Miracle Stories, including the “true story” of your co-worker who “used to be depressed but fell in love and stopped eating Gluten and now is 100% cured.” Acceptable Alternative: “I bought you this doughnut.”
9. Basic Shit, like, “You don’t act depressed.” Acceptable Alternative: “If you were in porn, I’d watch it.”
10. Unsubstantiated Nonsense, like, “Depression is a choice.” Acceptable Alternative: Silence.